How to Avoid (or “Bubble Down”) DRAMA
For students who come to me with social conflicts (and, this seems to happen more often within a group of friends than in any other social situation), I provide these tips to help them reduce the “Drama”. I explain to them that these are not tips that will guarantee a rebuilt friendship, but that no matter what happens as far as the relationship goes, these tips can lead to a much more peaceful outcome…they don’t have to be “friends”, but they also don’t have to be “enemies”:
No Gossip--Gossip is a serious form of aggression and can cause devastating harm. We don’t always realize how harmful it is until we are the topic/target! I always add that I know gossip is one of the hardest things in the world to NOT do; and that for those who commit to this step, it is always a work in progress. But, I stress that, if they want to reduce the drama in their social world, it is important to cut this out as much as humanly possible. It is one of the most socially aggressive behaviors, and it is very toxic to relationships. It completely undermines trust…even between people who are gossiping together. Remember, if someone gossips WITH you, they will gossip ABOUT you…
Speak ONLY for Yourself--don’t tell a person that someone is speaking or feeling badly about her/him….instead, if you overhear someone say something unkind or untrue about another, speak UP for that person right THEN and THERE. If anything does need to be repeated (especially if it’s about someone’s health or safety), then repeat it only to trusted adults.
Avoid Listening to Messengers--this is the “inverse” of the second tip….meaning, if someone tries to speak for someone else (example: “guess what s/he said about you!!”), say “Thanks for caring, hope you had my back on that, but I’m moving on”. Hard to do? It sure is! But, it will keep you out of the “fray”.
If you would like to work a conflict or problem out with a person…speak to her/him privately, respectfully (even if you’re mad or upset in any way), and in person (not by note or electronic communication). Or, ask for adult help.
We all stress to students that they have important choices to make….and, we offer them as many tools as we can to make good choices. But, if they choose social aggression such as gossip, or if they choose to listen to messengers, then they have just chosen DRAMA. There is very little adults can do to “fix” things once the damage has been done (other than help them “pick up the pieces” or intervene with discipline if that is what the situation warrants)